My only saving grace

2:15 to 4:30 am.
Sleeping?
Boy I wish.
Natalie was up, again, crying out in pain and disgust.
SHE.NEEDS.TUBES.
Period.
After I've rocked a mile, patted her back a thousand times, sang every single song I know, and even some I don't, I get to a point where I feel like there isn't anything else I have to offer. I've exhausted every emotion I posses: anger because WHY HER? Why poor Natalie? It's not supposed to be like this. Frustration because there is jack we can do to make her feel better aside from ibuprofen and numbing ear drops (of which we've gone through nearly an entire bottle of since October), and even now neither seem to have any effect on her. Sadness because we're all so tired that it makes for short fuses and long sighs of unhappiness.
So when I've found that I've reached the end of the proverbial rope, God steps in (He is, after all, the knot at the end of the rope that keeps us from falling) and reminds me of my saving grace; the point where the stars align, the medications finally kick in and sheer exhaustion takes over and Natalie finds comfort and drifts off to painless sleep.
Sitting in her dark room, taking in the scents that make Natalie, holding her while she innocently sucks her thumb and those high-pitched sighs that confirm her Sleeping Beauty state, all of the earlier tears are wiped away. The anger and frustration and sadness are suddenly forgotten as I hold my sleeping baby against me. I admit I steal a few kisses, stroke her soft cheeks once or twice and snuggle a few minutes longer then probably necessary. But I figure it's my Mom Payment for the earlier 2.5 hours of pure Hell. And unfortunately I know it won't be long before we have another night that exactly mimics this one, so I suck all the joy I can out of it.
And the next time I find myself holding a crying Natalie, I remind myself of my saving grace. And somehow I make it through.

Love you, Spunky. How I wish we could make all the pain go away.
PS You may or may not notice that she had to get her bangs trimmed - she won't keep hairbands in, and we were tired of trying to see her face through her Rapunzel-like hair, so a little trim was in order. Pretty cute, don't you think?