The aftermath

In the days since the accident and Ashley's surgery, there has been pain and tears, smiles and healing.

Frustrations. Anger. Upset and gladness.

Guilt. Uncertainty. Love and praise.

I never knew so many emotions could occupy one person.

I had to back away from Facebook, text and phone messages for a while. I still haven't responded to the 100+ FB messages and I'm a long ways from returning the 30+ phone calls I received. 

It's not that I'm not thankful. It's not that I'm not appreciative. 

It's that I'm overwhelmed.

And I'm protecting my heart.

Please know if you haven't heard back from me, it's not because I'm taking your love and friendship for granted. 

But I need time to heal a bit.

If you ask me how I'm doing, don't be shocked when I answer truthfully. I've got nothing to hide; there's no reason for me to lie. I'm not going to be okay for a long time. I'm better than I was yesterday and certainly stronger than I was 10 days ago. But there are still holes in my heart and aches in my soul that will take a long time to fill in. Sometimes I wonder if I will ever be 100% again and I figured as long as I can remember to pray to God and say thanks to Him when I'm feeling my most scared or guilty, then it doesn't matter. God's given me strength and held me when I needed Him most, and that's how I know that no matter what, I will be okay regardless of the aches. 

So many people have offered such amazing support and kindness. I've read and heard such beautiful compliments. More than once I've heard/read "Riane you were so strong." And while that may be true, I guarantee any parent faced with my situation would have reacted the same way.

Fight or flight. It's the natural order of things. But for parents there's only 1 option: fight.

God wired us that way. When your children need you, there are NO other options.

I can't even begin to explain the strength and bravery Ashley has demonstrated. I had no idea a 6 year old could do it, but I'm not surprised my Ashley is. 

But with bravery there also comes stubbornness. While Ash is a pillar, she's also not allowing herself to cry. She won't tell us when she's in pain or that she's upset. And this breaks my heart. During the few times she's honest with me she expresses upset and fears. I just pray she can be brave AND honest. Because I'm learning bravery without honesty is just a facade. And I pray my Ashley can demonstrate both qualities. 

I *believe* and *know* the prayers that have been poured out are working. If you want to know what you can do for us, pray. It's *that* simple. Pray for everything: strength. Healing. Understanding. Patience. Thank God we are all here and Ashley is doing as well as she is. I'm also asking for prayers for Natalie because she was in the accident, too. And she's hurt just as bad as Ash is, even if you can't see her wounds.

It took a few days for Natalie to agree to ride in the car; it's apparent she's going anxieties, and that hurts my heart. Even now, a week later, she constantly asks if there is ice on the road or if the car will somehow flip onto it's side. She refuses to get into the car and go directly to her carseat and instead farts around for a bit before getting buckled in. More than once she's confided in me "I wish our accident was just a bad dream, Mommy."

Oh my precious and beautiful daughter, how I wish the exact same thing.

She's a little bit more clingy. A little more vocal with her love for Jake and I. A little more apprehensive.

These are things she's never been known for.

I've replayed that morning drive more times than I can even count and it always ends the same way; me wondering WHY we were all spared. If you knew the circumstances of the accident, maybe this would make more sense to you. But it is to me: God has GREAT and AMAZING things in store for my Ashley. Well for ALL of my children, but certainly for Ashley. Given the circumstances of how she was injured, it's not unrealistic to believe she was spared. Not only her arm, but her life. Ash has amazing things in her future. It might not be Nobel Peace Prize worthy, or even Oscars or amazing inventions, but as of today I know of people that have renewed their love and faith in God having heard of her accident.

And what greater gift is there than that?

God held Ashley in His hands that day. He made certain she was saved so she could be with us today to show us how to be brave. How to smile despite the bruises, stitches and splints. How to be thankful even though she didn't get Red Robin for dinner or rides at the Salem Carousel on her 6th birthday (this would have been our 4th year to celebrate in that fashion). There is no doubt God is using Ashley for His work.

How could I ever be upset over this?

Tomorrow morning Jake and I will have Ash at the hospital at 8 am for her next procedure: stitch removal (nearly 60 of them!) and fiberglass cast put on. To help calm her fears and anxieties associated with all things hospital, she'll have a "happy cocktail" around 8:45 and will be taken to the operating room around 9 where she'll happily and naively slip off to sleep. When she wakes up she'll be greeted with a bright pink cast and our smiling faces. As of Thursday her bone is healing well and is only off with 7% of angulation (at her age anything under 10 is fantastic). It's possible she'll need to see a specialist for the scars on her arm and hand, but we'll cross that bridge when we get there. 

In the meantime we have Ash and Natty and Keely to hold and love and give praise for. We've got family to wipe our tears and calm our fears. And we've got God to hold us when we're feeling low.

We're the richest people we know.

Worst day of my life

We've all had those mornings where we just go through the motions; shower, make the beds, dress the kiddos, make breakfast, etc. etc. etc. This morning started out as one of those, even with the 2 hour delay due to icy roads. But when 9:45 rolled around and it was time to take Ash to school, our day went from run-of-the-mill to awful in the blink of an eye. 

For the first time since I can even remember I had all 3 girls with me for drop-off. They were all tucked in tight to their carseats as we made our way down the driveway. I tapped the brakes twice to check the conditions and was happy to see the ice had melted. As I left our driveway and crept onto the lane I was extra cautious knowing the corner is notorious for the slick stuff. 

And just like that we were sliding.

I tried SO VERY HARD to correct the slide. It all happened so quickly but it's amazing the thoughts that race through your mind at warp speed, and with such insane clarity. As soon as I realized I wouldn't be able to control the slide I started telling the girls "Hold on tight girls, mommy can't fix this. Mommy canNOT fix this. Please God, protect my girls." And instinct set in and I remember thinking "I need to see my girls and tell them we will be okay". I'm not sure the order in which it happened, but all-to-quickly we stopped sliding and hit the ditch and the Excursion ended up on it's side, drivers-side down.

The sound of broken glass and screaming made my ears ring.

So much screaming.

My cell phone, which had been in the cup holder, had flown over and hit me in the face and rested right next to my head. I immediately called Jake as I did whatever needed to be done to get to my girls.

God was with us. I know He was. I was all commotion and chaos on the inside but knew my girls needed Strong Mommy, so Strong Mommy is who they got. A quick scan told me Keely and Natalie were fine, just scared. It was immediately apparent that Ashley needed attention as she had a large laceration on her left shoulder. It was quite grotesque so I took of my cardigan and tied a tourniquet to help control the bleeding. 

I'm not sure why I remained so calm and collected. But I do know God is an awesome God and stayed with me like promises us He will.

I tried with all my might to open the top-side door and it wouldn't budge. I pushed with all.my.might and couldn't even get it to budge. Around that point I heard and saw footsteps on the drivers-side and was screaming over my girls frighted screams "GO TO THE BACK WINDOW! IT'S BROKEN OUT!" (all the drivers-sides windows were broken). I had Ashley stabilized and unlatched Keely and was still yelling "COME TO THE BACK." That's when I looked up and was met with such a kind face and outstretched hands. God had sent an angel who was so calm and relaxed and gingerly took my Keely Q from me and was talking to her and loving on her. I turned and grabbed Natty Kat and handed her out. Again, angels  hands reached in and surrounded her with love. Next, as carefully as the surroundings would allow for, I scooped up Ashley and handed her through. I believe Jake was there by then and I was desperate to tell him she needed a doctor NOW. Gentle and caring hands helped guide me out through the broken glass and that's when I saw 5 of our neighbors: 4 who had stopped on their drive to school to help and 1 who's house we were across the road from.

5 angels.

1 gal was on the phone with EMS, Jake was already 1/2 way to his truck with Ashley, Keely was in the arms of Gabrielle who was gently cooing her and soothing her and I had Natalie in my arms. I handed Natty off to Tina and she and Gabrielle assured me the girls would be taken care.

Never had I ever been so thankful to be surrounded by such kind, giving and loving neighbors. 

Jake and I got Ash in the truck and we took off for the ER. She was in obvious pain but being such a trooper. She asked me to sing her songs, so I sang Christmas carols or her choosing at God Of This City until we pulled in. She asked me to pray, so I poured my heart into a prayer of help and healing and thanks and praise. I was quickly falling apart but squared my shoulders and did my absolute best to remain strong for Ash. She was being so amazing which reminded me if a beautiful, precious and brave 5 year, 364 day year old could be strong, then so could I. 

The next few hours were a blur. Xrays were taken, her arm deemed broken and her lacerations needing a deep clean and closing up.

I prayed all morning long for strength and healing for body and soul. It's amazing that they were heard and answered *immediately*. It seemed every time I was --this-- close to crumbling, I'd look up and another family member or friend would walk in.

If you ever doubt you're loved, get seriously injured and then sit back and watch the love come pouring out.

We were visited by Kathy, Danny, Katie, Mom, Dad, Jeff, Kim, Peggy, Lisa, Aunt Jean, Jackson, Sara, Brandon, Sissie, Ashley's school principal and her assistant teacher (and her son). I was hugged and held and rocked and loved on so much today it would be nearly impossible to feel anything but blessed. I received something around 60 text messages, countless number of messages and notes on Facebook, a couple dozen phone calls and voicemails and have so many people saying prayers for my entire family right now that I know, without a doubt, God is with us. He's here in the form of friends kind words, loving embraces, great nurses and medical staff and texts reminding me that we are loved and blessed.

Ash braved her surgery like the rockstar she is. Her favorite princess is Rapunzel from Tangled, but today she was 100% Merida from Brave. There were tears and declarations of fear, but even then she was B.R.A.V.E all.day.long.

And her being braved was a great reminder that I could be brave, too.

Ashley's surgery consisted of them setting her broken arm and closing up her lacerations with 50+ stitches.

That's a lot of stitches.

We go back on Tuesday for a dressing change and then on January 2 to have the stitches removed. That means no basketball camp for Ash this year, and she may be a little awkward come ballet classes on January 9, but even a tutu makes a sling look classy.

In case I don't get a chance to do so formally, thank you to everyone who had a hand in our feeling loved and safe today. From the kind face and gentle hands that cradled my children as they were removed from the wreckage, to the coworker that drove Sissie from Salem to our hospital in Mac, to Nurse Sue who cared for Ashley as if she were her own flesh and blood. 

Some of the people that offered prayers and well wishes I may never see again so please know I include you in this prayer: Dear Lord, thank you for bringing these people to me today. Please find a way to bless every person involved today, in any capacity, the way they've blessed us. Thank you for holding us in Your hands and being the knot in the end of my rope that I clung to. Thank you for blessing us with true friends and family that stopped what they were doing and somehow contacted us and offered help in all forms. Thank you for your grace. Thank you for being with a mother, shattered and broken, as she prayed for the safety of her children. Thank you for forgiving us of our wrong-doings and for helping me to conquer these feelings of guilt and hatred toward myself. Please, I ask that you be with us as we look toward recovery. It's may well be a long road and I'll need you to guid me as I get frustrated, tired and weary. Thank you for all of these things as well as Your amazing gift. Amen.

And tonight I ask that as you go through the motions tomorrow morning, remember that today may not be like it was yesterday and tomorrow may not be like today. Cherish your days. Love your family. Thank your God.

Gingergirls

You know you've got great relatives when you run into them in WalMart, they snuggle and love on your girls and then send you home with a giant gingerbread cookie kit to decorate.
Aunt Deb, thank you for the kit. We sure had a great time, although I'm not sure how there was enough candy left over for decorations? Every time I turned around there was less candy in the bowl, not any more on the cookies and 2 little people with "that grin" on their faces.

Smiley Kat

Working on her design 

Snuggles

Someone snitched frosting

Having a great time making gingerbread memories 

Precision 

Yaaaaaawn! Must be bedtime. 

The finished product 

Gorgeous 

It reads: We love you Ashley Natty (and Natty even wrote her own name!)
THANKS AUNT DEB!!!

Peanut butter goodness

Bakerella and I were back at it in the kitchen this morning making Hershey Kiss PB cookies. 

The fact that Natty doesn't like PB had no weight in my decision to make these particular cookies.

Well, almost no weight. 

Very little.

A tiny smidgen.

After making the batter, rolling the dough into balls, baking them, unwrapping the Kisses and then pressing them into the warm little PB cookies, I could just imagine myself relaxing with a few of the cookies. I could also see myself not having the share due to the fact that Natty Kat is anti PB (she can't possibly be mine!).

But then my dreams were shattered.

Ruined.

Destroyed.

Natty snitched a small crumb of the cookie and instantly declared "Oh my goodness! I like these peanut butter cookies!".

So much for that little dream.

Stink face

Mm! Mm! Mm!

Reasons # 94,271 and 94,272

Today Natty Kat has given me 2 more reasons I'm thankful for her spirit and insight:
94,271: She tells me when she gets to Heaven the streets will be lined with gold coins. CHOCOLATE gold coins. And she can unwrap them and eat as many as she wants. Because there are no tummy aches in Heaven. 
94,272: She's spent so much time in the kitchen with me that she knows the difference between tea and table spoons, baking soda and baking powder, and how to successfully maneuver my crumb scraper to pick up sugar and flour spills. (maybe the coolest of them all).
If only you had someone as awesome in your life as my Natty Kat, your heart would always be singing, too.

Organized chaos

Ash and Natty are growing so fast, and while I'll always miss them as little babes all chubby and cute, I certainly can appreciate the independence that comes with being 4 and nearly 6. Recently I added new chores to their list: emptying the dishwasher. Most of the items are just stacked on the counter for me to actually put away (the cupboards and drawers they can reach they are responsible for putting away), so it actually makes more work for me as I sort through their chaos, but I'll take it. 

Nothing like free child labor.

Sure things like bowls are stacked incorrectly and forks and spoons are put away upside down and backwards, which also makes this a good lesson for me in letting go of control.

Everybody's a winner. 

Prima Ballerina Natty Kat

Sunday night Natty Kat made her debut in the dance world by floating across the stage as the most adorable, absolute most precious, hurts your heart she's so cute reindeer you've ever seen.

She may have only been on the stage for 1 minute 10 seconds, but once you watch the video you'll agree; those 70 seconds will give you hours of smiles and feel goods.

Here's a video (click here) of our middle little. Natty Kat is 3rd in line at the beginning, then she becomes the star shining on the left during the turns and jumps. When her reindeer antlers slipped down over her eyes not once but twice, I had to stifle my giggles. But my favorite part has got to be the end when she's the last to leave the stage - you can bet I was waving my arms like crazy (even though I know she couldn't see with the lights). I'm not sure what hurt worse: my face from smiling so hard or my heart because it was bursting with pride, love and excitement. 
And later that night when I asked Natty if she was proud of herself she said "Sure I am! I'm proud that I bowed on stage." 
Jeeze I love her!
Congratulations to our spirited Natalie Kathryn. I still smile when I think about you in that little tutu and jingle bell reindeer antlers. Thank you for sharing your spirit and for (finally!) making me a Dance Mom :)

Perfecting The Flamingo

Could eat her up!

Tutu cute

Obviously I'm slightly obsessed with those ballerina buns 

Didn't take her long to make some friends with dancers from other classes 

Beautiful flowers for our beautiful performer 

So proud of my little reindeer 

Someone was a little tired after her big day

Smiles with Nana and Papa

When she saw Grandma and Grandpa she said "You ALL came out to see ME?!!!!"

Posing with her teacher Mrs. Castle 

Taking a spin in Clara and her Nutcracker's sleigh 

Because I left her present in the car, our star performer got to open her gift a little later

A ballerina nutcracker to remember her first performance by

Someones in love

Hey slick, nice hair!

Truer words...

Thanks to Aunt Deb for getting all 3 girls adorable outfits (this was back during Keely's birthday party). I'm pretty sure she hit the nail on the head with this one...

I'm a Wild Child!

Party like a 1 year-old!

Cute as a button,

and so much fun!

Our sweet Keely Q,

is turning one!

In September friends and family gathered and helped us celebrate Keely Q turning a year old. In addition to being surrounded by all the cool people in our lives, we were also blessed with incredible weather for the party. There's just something about sunshine in September that makes me smile. Add in an adorable little birthday girl, and it was a pretty awesome afternoon. 

Thanks to everyone that came, brought food, presents, smiles, hugs, etc. etc. etc. I even got a surprise present: about an hour before the party our kind and fabulous neighbor Gabrielle showed up on her gator and asked if Ash and Natty could go and pick her sunflowers. They came back nearly an hour later with SIX 5 gallon buckets SPILLING OVER with sunflowers and bull rushes. I literally was sending people home with giant bouquets of sunny sunflowers all because Gabrielle has a giant, giving heart.

To say it was an incredible afternoon would be an understatement. My heart bursts with love and gratitude every time we have a party for one of our girls. They're so lucky to have such love and friendship in their lives. Thank you for loving my girls.

What's that you say? I'm a year today? Well hot diggity dog!

On Keely's actual birthday she got a little brownie, complete with candle, to help her celebrate

Tasty! Tasty!

Hard to believe a year has already gone by!

Morning of the party and Jake's already sneaking some frosting

Pretty proud of the banner I made - thanks for the inspiration, Lindsay

Hung a few pictures of Keely from the last 365 days

Cupcakes!

Check out those adorable homemade chocolate buttons - cute and tasty!

Nana posing with the birthday girl

Keely Q - she's cute as a button!

Grandma Marilyn stopping to smile

Over the moon for her pink rocking chair - thanks Grandma and Grandpa!

Seeeeeeesters!

Nana - you can always count on her to pick on little kiddos!

Love my party girl

Even Uncle Martin came to party

Natty Kat takes her cupcakes VERY seriously

Cake time!
PS absolutely love how stinking cute the smash cake turned out - good work Mom!

Your highness  

Get in there and get some, Keely!

Oh yeah!

Taking a (not so small) bite 

Eating cake LIKE A BAWWWWWS

A little Napoleon Dynamite pose 

Quick pic with our cakey girl

Hey Sara, special delivery!

Joyous family

Thanks for the frosting, Keely Q....

....and thanks for the clean-up assist, Jake!

Hey Ty? How's the cupcake?

Someone didn't like her bathtub bath

Life's always better in Daddy's arms

Special and HUGE thanks to Susie and Jim for bringing the giant bin of dress-up clothes! They've kept the girls entertained for HOURS AND HOURS! Here's Miss Alice, fresh from the rabbit hole.

80 degrees outside and Natty Kat's rocking a snow hat. There are no words.

Present time!

2 Nana attacked the girls with silly string - so totally Nana!

Keey's new baby doll....

...she was so funny as she tried to figure out if it was real or fake!

Sharing a little bite with 2 Nana 

Birthday girl amongst the present and wrapping craziness - there's no doubt about it, she's certainly loved!